I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
