The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
