Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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