12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
