how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
