Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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