It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
