you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
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