I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
