I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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