Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
