yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
