i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
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I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
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I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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