Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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