Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
