I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
