I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
