his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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