I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
