His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
