every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
