We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
