I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
