just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
