I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
