I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
