He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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