Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
