god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I didn't notice because vodka
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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