I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
