First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Alive.
So much puke
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
