I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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