She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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