my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
