so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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