I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
