you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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