you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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