i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
