Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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