dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
