It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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