True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
