you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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