i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
