Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
