oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
