I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
How naked do you want me to be?
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