i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
