Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
