You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
