I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
