Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
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Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
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I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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