all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
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In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
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Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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