So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
