My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
