you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
