Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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