She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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